2023 Wrap

 2023 was a year of grief, stress, pain, growth, and sweet moments. Each year, I choose a word that I want to work on. 2023 my word was intentional, and I was more intentional in 2023. It wasn't my best year, but one for the books.

Grief

2023 brought grief, which seems to never end. The older I get, the more I feel like we are constantly grieving another loss. In 2022, my cousin Esaq passed away. In 2023, my uncle John passed away.  My uncle had been sick for many years with cancer, but his health really deteriorated in 2023. He was ill a lot, and my aunt was stretched trying to care for him and also be present for my cousin. 

This summer also brought the deterioration of my uncle's health. The medicine they were giving him to help with the cancer wasn't helping his quality of life. So, he made the decision in July to stop treatment. This was the right decision for him. I remember sitting in church on Sunday, July 30, and my mom texted me saying they were headed here because my uncle was in his last days. Death isn't something that I handle well. Watching someone die is really hard. My family said we all should go and see him. He lived next door to me. I could not get myself to go over to the house. I cried about it a lot. I didn't want him to think I didn't love him, but I also didn't want to remember him like that. So I wrote him this letter and asked my mom to read it.

Dear Uncle John,

I love you very much, and I know your time with us is ending. It’s ok to go. You have taught us so much, and I won’t forget all the times you were silly; it helps us stop crying or our talks about the Seahawks. I will miss our football talks, but I will think of you when I watch the game. You loved all of us well. You taught me to keep trying and always supported me through my ups and downs. You have been a great uncle to me, and I will never forget all you have done for me. You taught me to trust God always because He is there even in the hard times. You have been a great example to all of us. I love you and will see you again when you are no longer in pain. This is not a goodbye, but I will see you later.

I love you,

Sara

Writing that letter to him took work. But I knew it was the way I could let him know I loved him. It was the longest 5 days of my family's life. Each day was challenging in its own way. There were days I didn't see my mom because she didn't leave my aunt and uncle. It was exhausting, and at the same time, family healing was happening. We were all spending many hours together, and that was something we had yet to do in many years. Getting to spend time with my cousin and their kids was a gift. Even in the most challenging moments, we were able to be there for each other, which is beautiful.

On August 3, 2023, my uncle passed away. There are no words. It was heavy. The grief was raw, but we were all together. After he passed, my entire family that was here ate dinner together and loved each other because that is what we needed. Being together helped. After I found out he had passed, I didn't know how I felt. I just felt meh. I didn't really cry at first. Then I made a phone call, and the person asked me how I was; that was all it took. The tears couldn't be stopped.

About 2 weeks after he passed, we had his memorial service. I didn't know how I was going to feel. I am incredibly thankful to have a boyfriend and best friend with me that day. I was doing so well, and then they did a video tribute, and that was it for me. I broke down, and the tears couldn't be stopped. Knowing that two of the most important people were standing with me made it a little easier.

Stress 

Stress is one of the things that I find difficult because I struggle with saying no and people-pleasing. I know that part of my stress is the anxiety that I feel and how I handle stressful situations. 2023 was a year filled with stress for me. I had many things happening that I didn't have control over, which brought me a lot of stress. From having one child who was involved in as many sports as she could possibly be in at a time to a daughter who was having her own silent mental health struggle. Also, the stress of navigating a relationship, learning, and growing as a couple. Work also produced a lot of stress as I had some really challenging coworkers with whom I was struggling. By the end of last school year, I was so burnt out from teaching. I actually applied for other jobs and interviewed for other positions. However, that small voice said you are not done here yet.  

Pain

Pain and stress can go hand in hand. Pain and grief can also go hand in hand. 2023 was a year where my heart hurt a lot.  I, for the most part, battled the pain alone and silently. When circumstances happen that I can't control, I tend to try and control whatever I can as a coping mechanism. Where there is pain, there are usually a lot of tears. Tears of frustration, sadness, and a sense of being lost. Moving 3 times in one year is enough pain. However, moving is also something that causes me more anxiety than I would like. I know that through pain, there is growth, and that is always good. The pain of watching loved ones suffer from sicknesses and not being able to do anything or watching relationships tinker on the edge of whether they will make it or not is hard. 

As a person who came out of a very traumatic relationship, there was a lot of healing I hadn't done. There is healing in the pain. Learning how to find my voice and communicate more effectively in a relationship is something that I struggled with in 2023.

Growth

Growth can be both painful and sweet. In 2023, I will have a lot of growth. I had been working on a goal in my career for 3 years, and I was finally able to achieve it. Seeing how I had grown and changed in those years was really exciting. I also grew up as a parent with a child who loves to be involved in sports. It forced me to work through some social anxiety with meeting new people and navigating those new friendships or relationships. I have also grown in my understanding of how to best support my other daughter through her mental health struggles. I have grown as a girlfriend. I have learned that relationships can be challenging, but they can also produce really amazing things. I am thankful that when I wanted to give up, I didn't. Growing with another person is one of the best things, even in the hard times. Those times strengthened our relationship, and I am thankful for my faith, which got me through some hard times.

Sweet Moments

In 2023, there were some fantastic moments, from going to the Seahawks game on New Year's Day with my boyfriend to a trip to Disney with my best friend. The sweet moments really were the bright spots of the year. Starting the year with a football game was epic. Then, the football theme continued, and we went to an XFL game and then to a couple of CLF games. I saw more football games in person in 2023 than in the previous year. I also watched a lot of high school football. Since my youngest daughter made the cheer team at her high school. I watched my youngest daughter thrive in a sport she had dreamed of doing here her whole life. She loves competitive cheerleading, and I am so thankful that she is at a school that does it and that has supported and encouraged her through her first year. At the end of 2023, her cheer team qualified for state and will attend nationals.

In the fall of 2023, I took my first trip with my boyfriend. We went to Canada for the weekend for CFL football. It was a really cool experience, and watching him do something he loves brought me so much joy. I am also going to a CFL playoff game in November.

Then, of course, my summer trip with my bestie. We took a whole week and spent it in Southern California. We went to the beach in Coronado and then spent the rest of the week at Disney. It was such a unique and sweet experience. I can get a whole week with my best friend without disruptions.  I am so thankful for that time because it recharged me and gave me a good mindset for the new school year.

Goodbye 2023, you were a year I don't want to relive.  I am thankful for all that I learned and gained in 2023, but here is to a much better 2024.