Seasons of Ups and Downs

 This winter and spring were a season of ups and downs. Many things in life felt hard for me. My anxiety was getting to a point where I was really struggling. I finally took the steps to begin taking medicine for my anxiety. It hasn't been easy and at first, I was embarrassed that I needed to take something to help me. My journey with my anxiety has been just that a journey that has ups and downs. I did see an improvement once I started taking medication. Also continuing with therapy has been so helpful. 

I do know that I am not healed completely from what I went through in my marriage. There are days and times that I get triggered and I feel like I am right back in it. Those moments are some of the hardest for me. I found this winter to be pretty hard for me. I was triggered a couple times and honestly, I went blank like couldn't finish my sentence. Looking back at those times reminds me that healing doesn't have a timeline and it isn't linear. It's more like a rollercoaster. I will have periods of time where I feel more healed and like I can handle things and then someone says something or speaks in a way that brings me right back to that place. So healing in that rollercoaster.

Not only have I been dealing with a lot of emotional pain and change this year. I also moved in January back into my parent's old house. It was safe and familiar and I loved it. However, it didn't last long because of circumstances outside of my control. I again found myself in a place of having to move in June just one year after I had moved out of that space I was again moving out. The emotional pain that I felt having to pack my life up again and put it in storage was really hard. There were days of lots of tears and frustration as I packed my life up once again.

This spring also brought something I was not prepared for.  Raising two teen girls as a single parent is not easy. My youngest was doing three sports at once this spring which was exhausting for me as I was working more than full-time and trying really hard to be at everything for her. She was thriving and I was so happy for her. She also started cheer for high school which is amazing. My other daughter had been silently struggling with anxiety and depression along with an eating disorder. We spent the spring at the doctor's trying to find the right dose of medicine that would help her. When I learned that she was struggling with an eating disorder I felt completely out of my element and didn't know what to do. My heart hurt for her and what she is experiencing but I was also lost not knowing what to do.

This summer has been sweet and hard. I decided to teach summer school this year for the routine and also to help cover cheer expenses. That was the sweet part of summer so far. Getting to have fun and do what I love brought some of my joy back when it comes to teaching. The hard part has been everything else. We are now living in a new place. We are living with my grandpa so I can help care for him. It has been an adjustment. Some of it has been good like not having so many things to do to keep the house. But since my daughter was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa subcategory binge/purge but life has been a struggle. If I am not at work then I have to be home with her. I have to do a lot of support with meal times for her. We attend a lot of doctor appointments and at times I feel like I am stuck. I can't go anywhere unless someone is home with her. It is completely exhausting.

Today we had another intake meeting with a treatment program. Today was the first appointment that I went to through this whole process where I felt like my voice was heard and valued. When I got off the phone with the intake person I cried. I don't know exactly what the tears meant. I don't know if they were tears of relief or of frustration. This journey has been hard and exhausting. It is a journey that is very lonely and one that I have to walk alone for the most part. I have some people that are supportive but their support can only go so far and so I feel very alone in this process. So I internally try to sort through how I feel and what is next. I don't know what is next. I don't know if I may have to take some time off from work to help my daughter as she goes through treatment. I have a lot of unknowns in my life right now which I struggle with. It's lonely and I feel like when I do reach out to a small circle of friends I am a burden or what I am going through is too heavy to talk about.