When the Pain hits hard

(This is a late post and I wasn't sure I really wanted to share it. It is from August 28)

 11 years ago I was living a dream. It was my wedding day and all the plans and preparation had been done. The weather was beautiful and it was everything I imagined it would be.

However this morning I woke up in full on tears. That dream day was amazing as weddings are magical. Sadly after the wedding came the reality of marriage and it was hard. There were so many days of feeling unworthy and not good enough. That I wasn't enough for this person who had stood in front of 150 people and said that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Promises were made that were never kept. The pain is still very real even almost 8 years later. Every year on this date I wonder if it will ever hurt less or if the pain will ever go away.

The pain feels incredibly real today when I woke up crying. I knew exactly what the tears were from. As much as I know that pain comes when healing is happening I still don't like it. I am enjoying the growth I have made and looking back and seeing how far I have come but when the pain hits it hits harder. I think it's because I am finally allowing myself the space to feel it all.

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