2022 Wrap
Change
2022 was a year of change. I knew that it would be and I knew that would be a struggle for me. So many things were going to change from my job to my home and those were big things but also things I could plan for and prepare for.
However 2022 brought more change that just that. Things I though would change didn't change. Other things that I didn't think would change did. There are have been so many days where there were more tears than my eyes were dry. The changes that happened were not always easy for me.
I felt called into more of a leadership role in my career and that change while it is something I know that I was called to was still hard. I decided to stay for another year at my current school because I had taken on new leadership and I felt God wasn't done with me yet at my school. At the end of the last school year my admin asked me to step into the role of leading my grade level team. This was after my entire grade level team was changed which wasn't something I had anticipated. I knew God had called me to this place in this specific time but it felt like too much. This fall as my new team was finally in place there were many difficult times I questioned the changes that were made and the things that I was being asked to do. I also took on a student teacher which was another change I didn't feel ready for.
In June we moved out of the house my parents had built 30 years ago. My home for a very long time and that change was so hard. I remember crying so many tears about moving out and starting something new. In all my years living there I had some amazing memories and I had experienced my fair share of pain that I processed there. The last day in that house I remember it being completely empty of all our things and I sat on the floor and cried. I had no clue what would come next for me.
The final change for 2022 is that I will move back into the home we moved out of in June. It's funny how life changes and brings us back to places and spaces.
Change is inevitable how I handle it is what matters. I know that I don't always handle change the way I should but I am learning.
Pain
2022 was a year where there was a lot of pain in my life. I have learned that healing from trauma sometimes causes pain and having to walk through that pain and relive the trauma can be really hard.
For over a year I had been experiencing physical pain and I had begun working with a doctor to help me heal and to correct the problem. I had surgery/procedure in early spring to check to make sure I was healing and that what was done was working. I am happy to say that it was a success and I am not in physical pain anymore.
The emotional pain that I went through in 2022 is some of the most painful. From heart breaks to a death in our family to just healing from the trauma that I went through and suppressed for 7 years. I don't know if there was a year where I cried more than in 2022.
Teaching was hard in 2022 from wearing a masking and chronically losing my voice to feeling like I was never doing enough for my students. It was a different kind of hard being a teacher. I was even made to feel like I wasn't enough by parents. That no matter what I did I felt inadequate. This fall I discovered a new level of hard in teaching. It wasn't the kids. I absolutely adore my class they have helped with the pain I have been feeling. It's the pain of leading adults and not feeling respected and feeling like my voice doesn't matter. Which makes me feel like I don't matter. I give and give until there is nothing left for me to give and I break. I have broken a couple times in 2022 and it involved so many tears and questioning if I should be where I am. I have reread the book of Esther multiple times for reassurance that I am where God has placed me for such a time as this. Esther 4:14.
Growth
In 2022 I grew so much. I completed one year of therapy and I couldn't be more thankful for choosing myself and learning and growing even through the pain that growth can cause. I have grown as a leader at work even through the growing pains I am reminded that God did place me here for right now to do things I never imagined I would do.
Therapy has been the best and the worst. I have had sessions where when they ended I wanted to be done with therapy because it's hard and painful and I don't want to dig deep and deal the the trauma and hurt that I have experienced. However if I had stopped I wouldn't be the person I am today. There were sessions where I cried so hard and felt so vulnerable but my therapist has been incredibly helpful. She has helped me realized that I have suffered from high functioning anxiety for a very long time. I also have been living in a survival mode for years and being hyper alert. I learned all this by being open and sharing what I went through. My therapist was gentle with me and gave me strategies to help me when I freeze because I can't do anything. I still have anxiety and will my whole life because I am human.However my anxiety is not as bad at it was before therapy. I will continue with therapy because it has helped and continues to help me be a better person for everyone.
In 2022 I decided that I wanted to approach dating in a different ways. After a lot of prayer and conversations with my therapist I decided that I would spend three months dating multiple people to see if this approach might help me to not get attached as quickly and not get heart broken as badly. For three months I went on many dates with different people. After each date I took time to pray and seek God on the direction. After three months I began dating someone. It was going well and I was finally feeling like I was establishing a relationship that was healthy and that was actually helping me heal from the trauma from my marriage. Three months into the relationship it ended. I still to this day don't know why. Just one day communication ended and I was left in tears questioning everything. My heart hurt and I didn't know if I would want to date again because dating means having to be open and vulnerable and I don't like to get hurt. However this fall I felt the tug in my heart to give it another try. I went out on dates with a couple of people but it didn't feel right. So I took a step back and I continued to pray that when I was ready God would bring the perfect man into my life. The man that I need to love me for who I am. The kind of man that will see me and make be feel seen and valued. God heard my prayer and brought a man into my life that sees me and makes me feel valued. All the prayers I have been praying for years have been answered and I couldn't be happier.
I also saw a year of growing in my physical appearance as I got back into regularly working out and challenging my body. I saw myself lose over 60lbs and go down 2 sizes. I feel so much better!
I have grown as a teacher and a leader in 2022. Leading is hard but it also brings me joy to push myself into spaces and places where I deserve to be even when I don't feel seen, heard, or valued. Having a student teacher has been a gift. I didn't feel qualified to mentor someone but God knew better. Not only have I gotten the privilege to mentor a student teacher but also a first year teacher and its a gift that I am so thankful for. The growth I get to experience through this opportunity has changed me as an educator and I am looking forward to what is next.
2022 Wrap
To wrap up the year that was filled with change, pain and growth I will say it wasn't the best year but I did have some very epic things happen. I got to spend a week relaxing in the Caribbean, I went to Disneyland with my very best friend. I have spent much needed time with friends and family. I have gotten to go to more Seahawks games than ever before and they are always a highlight. A lot of times we only share our highlights and that just isn't real. So I choose this space to share my heart the parts that are hard and hurt but also the amazing experiences and joys.
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